Jokes 4 You!


A tiny, green grasshopper jumped onto a bar.  The man behind the bar watched the insect jump from one spot to another and finally said: “You know we have a drink named after you, little fellow?”

“Really?” said the grasshopper.  “You have a drink named Fred?”


A minister was completing a sermon on the evils of alcohol.  With great emphasis, he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn No 297.  Shall We Gather at the River?”


A cowboy riding across the prairie came upon an Indian lying on the ground with his ear to a wagon track.

Indian: “Wagon.  Two horses-one white, one black.  Man drive, smoke pipe.  Woman have blue dress, wear bonnet.”

Cowboy: “You mean you can tell all that by listening to the ground?”

Indian: “No.  Run over me, half hour ago.”



An Amish boy and his parents who never left their farm, ventured to the big city to experience a shopping mall.  It was a new 3 story mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together.

The boy asked, “What is this Father?”  The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.  I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the number began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out.  The father said quietly to his son….”Go get your mother.”


Two teen daters were at a new amusement park and were especially anxious to try the Tunnel of Love ride for the first time.

Later, the boy said to a friend, “it was dark and damp and so uncomfortable.  Besides, we got soaking wet!”

“How come?” he asked.  “Did the boat leak?”

The kid looked amazed.  “There’s a boat?”

Musician Jokes

What is the difference between a sousaphone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

What do you call a building full of musicians?

What do you call a beautiful girl on a drummer’s arm?
A tattoo.

What is the difference between an accordion and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.

What is the difference between an accordion and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

Do you know the definition for the perfect pitch?
When you throw a banjo into the dumpster and it lands right on the accordion.

Mr. Conductor, How late does the band play?
“About a half beat behind the drummer”.

How do you get a drummer out of your house?
Pay him for the pizza.

What’s the difference between a harmonica player and a 14 inch pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

Three drummers are in a car. Who’s driving?

Jokes 4 U


By Popular Request!!

For more years than I can remember, following each performance an unbelievable frequent request is “Why don’t you write a book with all of your funny stories and great jokes?” Now I can proudly say, “Yes, I have!”

JOKES 4 U! , by Me! HAS OVER 2000 of the funniest stories and hilarious jokes ever!!  I just received the first “galley” proof, and it is a gem! 

If you have enjoyed my stories and jokes at concerts, you will LOVE THIS BOOK!


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If you have enjoyed my stories and jokes at concerts, you will LOVE THIS BOOK!